Conflict

Why.

How did it get like this?

I can't. 

You can't leave.

Even if it's what I say.

I alway say things I don't mean.

But you're too good for me. 

I don't deserve you. You can find someone better. I already have so many problems with myself, I doubt I'd find anyone.

Maybe I will.

But NO ONE like you. 

And I can't live with that.

It's tearing me apart.

The fear, the fear that your feelings will fade, or have faded before mine.

Pure torture.

I can't take it. 

You are my everything.

I feel so insignificant.

I'm a nuisance

An annoyance

A nobody.

It's ok. Tell me if you no longer feel anything for me. It's my punishment. I deserve it. 

My eyes hurt from all this crying.

I push you away. But all I need is you to be close. Hug me. Kiss me. 

I feel like you're disgusted by me. 

You hate me. 

I would hate myself too. 

Suffocated & Silenced

It's been a while.

I only came here because I've no where else to turn to.

Stay please. And listen to my woes. These woes that are tearing me apart piece by piece ever so slowly.

The love I thought would embrace me is drowning. I'm drowning within.

Admiring a rose. 

It's so beautiful you just can't help but grip tighter.

But you fail to notice the blood trickling from the flesh that the thorns have pierced through.

You can't bear to leave it. So you just hold on and hope the bleeding stops.

It's citing me inside. 

The realization that you might not actually love Me.

It's so difficult for you to realize it as well.

I'm getting so desperate.

Compromising myself to keep you.

I'm getting so pathetic.

I'd rather be who you want me to be and have you love me than be who I am and get abandoned. 

The most ironic thing is, by the time that happens you would have lost me.

I lost myself to you. I'm dying. You killed me. But I allowed you to. 

Why. Is it so difficult?

To love me for who I am. And what I'm not. 

I hear silent screams from the pits of hell

While angels beckon me from heavens above

Yet I choose to sin instead of pray

As my lust and greed for power remains

Unchanged. 

I want you. 

I want to smell you.

I want to taste you.

I want to be caressed in your arms.

I want to go out with you.

I want to cuddle with you.

I want to grow with you.

I want to kiss you.

Peck you on the cheek, lips, neck.

I'm smitten. 

It's still so surreal how it's possible.

You started out as a mere figment of my imagination.

A distant dream.

Then it developed into a feel. 

A feel now the both of us might possibly share.

Let's bask in this innocent love.

I really want to talk to you. I want to get close to you. I want to be yours.































I want you.

Limit.

I know I've said this like a million times. But i'm tired. so so so fucking tired. I'm at a breaking point guys. I swear the thought of ending my life isn't even lingering anymore. I'm drowning in these ideas. They're turning into intention. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what to say. I want to be an empty shell. because everytime i try to do something things just seem to get worse. Like every step i take im stepping on a land mine.

I can't deal with the adults anymore. All i say is the truth. It's harsh. It always is.

We're already a messed up family so it's better to just think of rainbows, sunshines and butterflies and pretend that everything is ok rather than addressing the matter?

And fuck you Cik Enal. You deserve to be locked up.

I just want to leave. Everything will get better when i leave. I need some place else to stay. I can't be here anymore.

Nobody wants me. Everybody fears me. I'm like the delinquent child.
But the thing is i don't even think i'm half as bad as those other kids out there.Yes i agree i do have a bad habit of swearing but thats about it. but i dont drink. i don't smoke. i've never stolen. i've never beaten someone up. I've never had sex. I've never kissed. I've never petted. I haven't even done decent shit to be labelled as a trouble maker or a delinquent so why the fuck do i deserve all this?

I guess it's just cause i was born into this family. Born into a family that religiously and ideoligicaly is unable to support my decisions and actions. We're on different pages. Heck, we're not even reading the same book.

And the worst part is my mom thinks i hate her. For the love of god mother, you are all i have. And for you to say that with such ease, I don't know who to be more disappointed at you, or me.
How dare you use that to put me on a guilt trip. How dare you use that against me and push my buttons.
Mother i have ALWAYS, always been at your side. Never in my life was my intention to hurt you or bring you down because like i said, you are all i have. The reason why it always seems as if im always against you is because i just don't agree with the way you do things sometimes. You're always taking it in. making everything your responsibility. I'm not for that. I want you to stand up for yourself. Help only when you can. Because frankly speaking, in the whole family, i only see you putting you EVERYTHING, trying to make this work, trying your utmost best to pull the family together. I really respect that but i find it outrageous as to why you're taking on that role when the rest of the fucking family are MORE THAN CAPABLE OF DOING THAT.

I used to grow up thinking my family was perfect. Boy, was i wrong.

You're too nice. You're too naive.

Picture this. So grandma and grandpa, old and sickly needs a place to live.

Scenario A: Widowed woman living in a 5 room apartment, one daughter, single parent, struggling to make ends meet and put food on the table working 5 days a fucking week, with the intention of getting jobs during the weekends to earn extra cash

Scenario B: Housewife woman, living the good life at home, husband has a steady job with a fairly good pay, one daughter, five room flat, much luxury and freedom.

Guess where the parents are staying? Yeap, A. Don't know if i'm the only one that finds that messed up though. And the thing is, Grandma and grandpa has 3 other kids. One's a druggie though, pinching from money from my mom and his parents whenever and wherever he can(my mom of course being the good samaritan that she is willingly gives him the money)

Now i don't even know whether to publish this. Whatever. I"m gonna have to deal with repercussions later on anyway.

Lastly i want to apologise for being such a failure, to you, to everyone.

Probably the umpteenth time I've sat on the seat at the bus stop, imagining myself getting up and walking straight. Straight into the busy traffic. The sight of my limp body thrown in the air, crushed by the impact- a sight way too familiar for my own good.