The tears won't stop.

I'm crying.

I'm afraid.

I've had enough.

Let my heart stop and let me die.

I don't care and nobody should either.

Fuck this. I'm gone.

Florence and the Machines

I'm not calling you a liar,
Just don't lie to me.
I'm not calling you a thief,
Just don't steal from me,
I'm not calling you a ghost,
Just stop haunting me,
And i love you so much,
I'm gonna let you,
Kill me.

There's a ghost in my lungs
And it sighs in my sleep,
Wraps itself around my tongue,
As it softly speaks
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs

To Fall,
To Fall,
To Fall, at your feet.
Oh but for the grace of god go on,

And when you kiss me, I'm happy enough to die.

The clock is ticking.

Had hist test today.

Got back our SS test and for once seeing my marks i felt hopeful of my future and studies.

I got 16/17 anyway, not that'd you'd care.

It's funny how something so insignificant to someone can mean so much to me.

That's just me. I make safe bets. Too safe that i don't bother pushing myself.

Maybe that's the reason why i suck at everything.

It's just that i'm so afraid. Afraid that if i set my sights up too high, I'll fall back into a pit of nothingness.

About my test, it wasn't hard at all-i knew everything like the back of my palm

but, really, the only thing i could've wished for was for more time.

Ironic right? Wouldn't that be like the last thing i'd wish for? For more

Time.

Heck, i'd wish for less.

My life that is. But who am i to decide how long (or short) i live.

I am a nobody after all. I should just treat my life like how i treat other things.

Live for the sake of living.

Eat for the sake of eating.

Study for the sake of studying.

Like a robot. See my life wouldn't be so miserable if i had something to live for.

Well really, not that i don't only thing's that i have just as many reasons not to.

It's like a battle. A race. A huge gamble on my listless.

Life.

One wrong move and that's it;

Good Bye, world.

Relate

My biggest mistake wasn't falling for you.

It was thinking you had fallen for me too.

Mr T

My life doesn't revolve around you.

My life doesn't revolve around what you do,

My life doesn't revolve around what you want me to do.

You disgust me.

You irk me.

I've never been so disgusted by someone this much in my entire life.

Goes for the both of you,

yes you too Mr Y, you pussy.

But you know what? The fact that i didnt cry proved that i couldn't care anymore.

Which is sad. Cause who wouldve thought?

That'd it'd be YOU who'd extinguish any ounce of passion i had left for

Music.

It's times like these when i get so tired of arguing, of reasoning out, that i'd just wish for my life

To

End.

I love you.

I tried to convince myself to stop loving you.

But each and everytime i turn to catch your gaze, i get drawn back even closer than ever before.

Positivity.

I think i should start a Tumblr.

All my positive posts would go there.

And the much more negative ones should remain here.

Forever hidden, where nobody would bother...

to see.to find.to figure.

Hear my cries of plea however small they may be, please.

How many of you out there are real anyway?

Mashaallah

I want to marry an Egyptian man who can recite the Qur'an to me everyday with his melodious voice.

Ya Allah, give me strength to prevail and let me be a pious Muslim till the end.

Amin.

My condolences.

Hey you.

I had hoped you had made a move.

You are?...

Anonymity is intriguing.

I've had my fair share of strangers adding me.

Some are weird.

Most are weird.

All are weird.

Well, mainly because:

1)I don't know them

2)We have NO mutual friends at all

3)When i do accept their add they'd either be asking for my age or whether i'm a virgin-to which i automatically reply with a "nice talking to you" and immediately delete them.

Though there are some who are just...interesting. Imagine, someone else on the other end of that PC(?) who feels the same way as you. Don't tell me you haven't had the urge to add someone whom you felt seemed really interesting even though you don't know that person AT ALL.

I guess it's human nature to be...curious? If you put it in a nice way.

Anyway, today an anonymous person added me.

Bored, i accepted and thought nothing much of it.

Then she, i repeat she, initiated a conversation.

Sorry guys, not being stereotypical or anything but gender really plays a part cause if its a guy i'd be wary and cautious and would usually expect something sexual and if it were a girl i'd totally let my guard down. Haha but then again if it were a girl i'd be kinda disappointed deep down inside. I think it's just me but, i feel kinda flattered when i do get...harassed? i think that's too harsh of a word but, like when a random guy adds you or starts flirting(not that i've been flirted with anyway). Did that description help? Oh, nevermind thing is, i feel kind of happy inside cause in someone's eyes, i was worth it.

Seriously, i rely too much on someone else to feel good about myself.

I have so many things to say, most of which are really depressing but i won't say it here cause it's kinda open to public though i doubt anyone reads my blog anyway.

But lately...i don't have a reason to feel good about myself, or to live even.

I don't look forward to anything.

You wonder...don't you have any friends?

Heck, of course i do,

close friends

good friends

best friends

but, a real friend....

now that's tough.

What is a real friend anyway?

To me its someone you can talk to anytime, anywhere about ANYTHING without the fear of getting judged and be too embarrassed to say anything. Someone who doesn't console, comfort, or pity instead scolds and worries...that's a real friend. Now that i've got my definition, i realise i have few..or any at all. Which is sad, really sad. And the fact that i have about 8 more months of shit to endure doesnt help.

Whoops, i tend to sidetrack alot but hey, its my blog-rules are simple:

I write, You read.

Anyway this girl added me and asked for my age which i thought was really weird. We talked about random stuff and had a pretty decent conversation-bear in mind we did not know each other AT ALL-which brings us back to the 'thesis statement' (haha reminds me of mdm abbey).

That when you're talking to an unknown person and as much as you wanna know him/her they'd wanna know you just as much too, and that person could really turn out to be just about anyone, just like what your parents should have drilled into you-NEVER TRUST STRANGERS.

But really the fact that you don't know anything makes you want to know more, doesn't it?

You know what they say; Curiosity killed the cat.

Not that i'd mind being the cat anyway.

AHHH, back to the story then i asked her "What made you add me?"

And she replied "Cause i think you're kinda cute"

Maybe i found it weird for awhile but seriously girl-you don't know how much that means to me.

Interpret it all you want but that, simple comment saved my life.

My self esteem is at an all time low now and i hope to be writing more...optimistic entries in the future-if im still around, haha kidding.

Have you read 13 reasons why? It revolves around a girl called Hannah Baker who committed suicide and the story about why she did it. She calls it-the snowball effect. It's not just about 1 sole reason, it's about many reasons-quite insignificant to the ones causing it-piled up one after another. And let's just say i can relate to the story really well.

So for all you insensitive pricks-just think first before you talk cause something so small to you, can hurt me even more greatly.

Example: I was doing my work and minding my own business in class when this -nameless- guy turns to me and says "why you so fat?"

I wanted to cry. like literally cause the pass few weeks hadnt been so great for me either.

So i did the only thing i could do: ignore.

He passed it off as a "Aiya joking lah i very bored"

Seriously? You can call people fat just based on the fact that you're bored?

What kind of logic is that?!

Yeah, thanks to people like you, millions of teens are suffering from anorexia.

This entries' quite lengthy but if you've stuck with me till the end, thank you i appreciate it.

After scanning through what i wrote most of what i feel and say can be quite exaggerated-or not, but i know others have had it worse then me, but really i would like it if life would cut me some slack.

The only thing standing between me and the end of my life is my mom.

Thank you mom, i hope you'll always be my pillar of strength no matter what.

Cheers "To a positive life"

& i hope you'd help me live it.

-Lina

The sun goes down.

Words that i was never able to say.

I'll sing it out.

Dead famous?

Most of the well known and talented people we know today are only known when they're

dead.

Buried deep down in the cold hard soil, right under our very feet.

Like Amy.

She never gained recognition for her talents, until she left.

She was a superb singer, but even now despite her death some choose to joke about it.

Her addiction. Her depression. Her troubles.

Is it because she's a celebrity?

That they decide to put aside what she's actually good at and only look at her flaws?

Frightening.

Humans are frightening.

May you rest in peace wherever you are.

Live fast, die young.

Well anything's better than living in this hellhole.

9 more months.

Maybe, maybe if i hadn't been exposed to all that corruption.

Maybe, perhaps i wouldn't think this way.

Maybe i could have lived a bit more.

Enjoyed a bit more.

Enjoy? What is there to enjoy?

Time and again i try to convince myself that there might still be hope, that i might still stand a chance.

Time and again i think that you may love me, however small that fondness may be.

Time and again i get disappointed, and you never cease to disappoint.

Time and again i had hoped things would have gone my way, but it went yours' instead.

Time and again, whatever i thought i had, had been taken by you.

All that i lost, all is yours.

Lina

Life as you see mine

hello.

It's 2011.

If rumors are true we'll die next year.

On a side note.

SYF is here.

We'll be having Sec 3 interviews.

I wana try for a BL.

I'm class secretary.

I just bought a new bag.

I still want a cat.

Valentine's in 2 days.

I'm still single.

I could have not been.

But i'm still single.

Our class, 307, will be presenting the value of the month Volunteerism.

They'll be Xinfony after SYF.

I might get cut from SYF if they cant see the shitload of effort i put in.

I have Malay 'O' levels this year.

I'm still slightly afraid of math but am learning to enjoy it.

Lastly, i have a sister called

Sarah.

and a wife called

Jiajia.

And cousins whom i feel rather ambivalent about.

Well, thats just a snippet of whats happening in my life.

And there's plenty more of that crap going on in my head.

-Siti